Thursday, July 15, 2010

What Is Your Plan?

Hello my friends! I want to start right off by saying thank you! Thank you for bearing with me the last fews days. I know that one moment I post something on Facebook that is really fun, exciting, & positive....and then, the next post I am down, sad, or even upset. My emotions have been all over the place & I am not sure why. Well, maybe that isn't entirely true. I have had a few pretty significant things go down lately but I definitely have something going on inside of me that I am not sure I can pinpoint.

I have been really emotional about Kayleigh the last few days. I miss my little princess tremendously, but I don't sit around & cry every day, completely handicap by emotions. Yesterday, I was crying at my desk....remembering. It had been a while since those feelings were so extreme.

If I am being honest, I have also had a hard time with my prayer life the last few weeks. I mentioned before that my number one place to pray is in the shower. I can count on spending 30 minutes with the Lord without fail every time. Lately, I don't even know what to say. I even have talked to myself out loud in the shower to remind myself, or coach myself, to start talking to Him. I can't come up with anything. I am going through a "numb" period I think.

I am working through my feelings & thoughts about this so hopefully nothing is coming out wrong here. I love the Lord, I completely trust the Lord with my life & current situation, or at least I feel like I do. Maybe that is why I don't know what to say....because I KNOW He is in control. I don't ask Him to make things happen. Quite the opposite. I have actually said things like, "Lord, if you don't want me to do this, if this isn't what you want for me, don't let it work out."  That being said, I haven't been "on fire" like I have been before. I haven't posted much scripture in a while, I haven't been able to attend church in over a month because of work, & I haven't read my Bible. Wow. Nothing like throwing myself under the bus.

I feel like this may have changed in the last 24 hours. It certainly helps to be excited about the Lord & your faith when you spend time with people who are on fire for the Lord as well. That may have been where it started. Then, I was reading about Pastor Furtick's upcoming book, Sun Stand Still. I KNOW this book is going to make a major change in my life. I can't believe I have to wait until September 21st to get started.

So, I get into reading about other Pastor's that I admire & I came across Pete Wilson's book, "Plan B". Somebody in my blog community, FB page, or Twitter,  posted a comment today that said, "I have never been challenged like I have reading Plan B." So I went to Barnes & Noble & I picked it up.

Here is a short video that I think just might get you jazzed up too.

So, do you really want God or do you want what you think that God can give you? Man! That is a pretty powerful statement. I can tell that this book is going to give me a lot to think about. I think I am going to reveal some things about myself that will need to be changed. No, I know I will. I am absolutely scared to death & completely excited at the same time.

I haven't even opened the book yet & tonight I have thought about my future, my faith, my goals, my expectations, my wants, my needs, & everything else in between. I know that I want to be more active in sharing the Lord with others. I don't know to what extent that means but my fire has been re-lit. Is it a small group, posting here, going back to school, leadership training.....I don't know. I just know that right now in this moment my excitement to grow & challenge others is overflowing.

So look out! I am coming your way & I am not going to hold back. I don't know how to. It isn't in my nature. I am about ready to take my shower tonight & I know just what to pray for. Guidance. I am going to pray that the Lord will show me what He wants me to do with this fire. Where He wants me to go with it. I am going to pray that He opens the right doors for me & that He locks & closes the ones that I need to stay away from.

While I was sitting here typing this last paragraph I had an overwhelming feeling that I should pray for a few things that I haven't prayed for in months. I want to resist  because of my own feelings, wants, desires, anger, & pain. BUT, I can't seem to shake this feeling. My body has literally become heavy. I feel myself trying to run from it & I can't get away. I am going to have to trust in the Lord. I DO know that He knows what I NEED & what is right for my life. Even if I don't. I want to keep typing because I am someone who has to "explain" everything, but I can't come up with the words. I am confused myself so I don't expect anyone to understand what I am trying to say. I am taken back by this. Lord, please bring me some clarity.

Good night everyone.


  1. Aimee, I too prayer in the shower. It is literally the only alone time I have in a 24 hour period, and I treasure this time alone with God. Sometimes I am in a snit of anger and I can't pray. I chalk it up to God knows me and he knows I am mad and he can handle it.

    God knows you are with him and trust him in all areas of your life.

    In your post you've reminded me of something very important and that is to remember, while I pray for what I am asking, that I also remember to let God know I will love him either way. Whatever, I will love him. If this job I am praying for isn't in God's plan for my life, I will accept it and I will still rejoice in Him always.

    Love, Mari

  2. Hi Aimee, I have followed you ever since Kayleigh was a couple months old, and I'm so happy to see you've started this blog. I added you to my blogroll, and I wanted to let you know that I'm part of an amazing community called "ALI" (adoption/loss/infertility). There is a girl who has organized all our blogs into categories, and there is a whole list of people who have dealt with infant loss here

    Just thought it might help you grieve to know that you're not alone and that there are people who know how you're feeling and will be there to support you, even if they are online friends!

    I (with my husband) am still praying for my first baby blessing, but you've been in my prayers as you struggle with the loss of Kayleigh (HUG).

  3. "Fill Aimee with the knowledge of Your Will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. That she may live a life worthy of You and please You in every way; bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of You, GOd. Give her strength with all power according to Your glorious might, that she may have great endurance, and patience, and joyfully give thanks to you, Father who has qualified her to share in the inheritance of Heaven." col. 1:9-12

  4. Aimee-

    I am thinking of you & hope you find your way again :)

    I lost mine 5 years ago when I lost my son at my 5th month of pregnancy & I blamed God for that, I know it wasnt His fault but to this day I still have a hard time letting go of that.

    it is hard finding your way back for I am still trying to find mine, getting over the anger & hurt is hard. your blog & your faith has given me a glimmer of hope.

  5. Hi Aimee.

    I just spent about 4 hours reading all about your beautiful family over on your other blog. I can't even imagine what you go through everyday of your life. I wanted to let you know that there are people (like me!) that you don't know that are praying for you and your family. I'm sure you've already realized this though. You are a hero in my eyes because I could only hope I would be half as strong as you have been throughout everything. I wish I could give you a huge hug and ease some of your pain.

    I hugged my babies a little tighter tonight thanks to Kayleigh's story. Thank you so much for letting me be a little part of your world.


  6. Hi Aimee, I came across your story TODAY of all days. See today is the birthday of my seven year old son Caleb. Caleb was born two months early and with much prayer and many miracles from God he is with me today. After reading Kayleigh's story, God and Kayleigh and you have reminded me of how very blessed I am. I had become complacent with my attitude and my walk with God. Thank you because now I want my fire back. You and your husband are a great testimony. With many thanks and prayers,


  7. hi Aimee... I couldnt sleep thinking of you and Kayleigh... Ive kissed my little Gabriel... It is already 2 in the morning and I still have a class tomorrow.... wondering why have'nt you post anything this August....
    Just want you to know you inspired me. Love You Aimee and Kayleigh.

  8. Hi Aimee. My daughter and her husband gave birth 3 months eary to a beautiful baby girl . Some time thoughout the night she went home to be with Jesus. For some reason he took her before we had the chance to spend time with her like you did Kayleigh. Her pictures reminded me of our little Grace. My daughter and her husband live in Lenoir North Carlina. I know that she has went through alot of emotional ups and downs. I have never been there only through her. I can't imagine but I do know that GOD is always in control. My daughter Tarah has waited for 9 years to have a baby. Would you pray for her when you pray? I will keep you in my prayers and I am smiling now through my tears because I know that Grace has a new Playmate name Kayleigh. Thank you for sharing her story. Pam

  9. Hi Aimee..your Family touch my heart..I just saw Kyleigh's video on Facebook and it really makes me cry...I do too have experience having a baby with heirsprung decease on his 4th day he was operated thru colostomy..I was crying and so depressed but now by God's grace and mercy he is grown up now...Hope you and your Family be blessed and more graces to come...God Blees you all..
    Dionnie of Philippines

  10. Hey Aimee,
    Just wondering what you and Allyson and Brandon have been up to lately since you haven't posted in awhile. Hope you're all well and that their new school year is getting off to a good start.

  11. ...continue blogging! I love reading your posts! :-)