Hello my friends! I want to start right off by saying thank you! Thank you for bearing with me the last fews days. I know that one moment I post something on Facebook that is really fun, exciting, & positive....and then, the next post I am down, sad, or even upset. My emotions have been all over the place & I am not sure why. Well, maybe that isn't entirely true. I have had a few pretty significant things go down lately but I definitely have something going on inside of me that I am not sure I can pinpoint.
I have been really emotional about Kayleigh the last few days. I miss my little princess tremendously, but I don't sit around & cry every day, completely handicap by emotions. Yesterday, I was crying at my desk....remembering. It had been a while since those feelings were so extreme.
If I am being honest, I have also had a hard time with my prayer life the last few weeks. I mentioned before that my number one place to pray is in the shower. I can count on spending 30 minutes with the Lord without fail every time. Lately, I don't even know what to say. I even have talked to myself out loud in the shower to remind myself, or coach myself, to start talking to Him. I can't come up with anything. I am going through a "numb" period I think.
I am working through my feelings & thoughts about this so hopefully nothing is coming out wrong here. I love the Lord, I completely trust the Lord with my life & current situation, or at least I feel like I do. Maybe that is why I don't know what to say....because I KNOW He is in control. I don't ask Him to make things happen. Quite the opposite. I have actually said things like, "Lord, if you don't want me to do this, if this isn't what you want for me, don't let it work out." That being said, I haven't been "on fire" like I have been before. I haven't posted much scripture in a while, I haven't been able to attend church in over a month because of work, & I haven't read my Bible. Wow. Nothing like throwing myself under the bus.
I feel like this may have changed in the last 24 hours. It certainly helps to be excited about the Lord & your faith when you spend time with people who are on fire for the Lord as well. That may have been where it started. Then, I was reading about Pastor Furtick's upcoming book, Sun Stand Still. I KNOW this book is going to make a major change in my life. I can't believe I have to wait until September 21st to get started.
So, I get into reading about other Pastor's that I admire & I came across Pete Wilson's book, "Plan B". Somebody in my blog community, FB page, or Twitter, posted a comment today that said, "I have never been challenged like I have reading Plan B." So I went to Barnes & Noble & I picked it up.
Here is a short video that I think just might get you jazzed up too.
So, do you really want God or do you want what you think that God can give you? Man! That is a pretty powerful statement. I can tell that this book is going to give me a lot to think about. I think I am going to reveal some things about myself that will need to be changed. No, I know I will. I am absolutely scared to death & completely excited at the same time.
I haven't even opened the book yet & tonight I have thought about my future, my faith, my goals, my expectations, my wants, my needs, & everything else in between. I know that I want to be more active in sharing the Lord with others. I don't know to what extent that means but my fire has been re-lit. Is it a small group, posting here, going back to school, leadership training.....I don't know. I just know that right now in this moment my excitement to grow & challenge others is overflowing.
So look out! I am coming your way & I am not going to hold back. I don't know how to. It isn't in my nature. I am about ready to take my shower tonight & I know just what to pray for. Guidance. I am going to pray that the Lord will show me what He wants me to do with this fire. Where He wants me to go with it. I am going to pray that He opens the right doors for me & that He locks & closes the ones that I need to stay away from.
While I was sitting here typing this last paragraph I had an overwhelming feeling that I should pray for a few things that I haven't prayed for in months. I want to resist because of my own feelings, wants, desires, anger, & pain. BUT, I can't seem to shake this feeling. My body has literally become heavy. I feel myself trying to run from it & I can't get away. I am going to have to trust in the Lord. I DO know that He knows what I NEED & what is right for my life. Even if I don't. I want to keep typing because I am someone who has to "explain" everything, but I can't come up with the words. I am confused myself so I don't expect anyone to understand what I am trying to say. I am taken back by this. Lord, please bring me some clarity.
Good night everyone.